Bupkis

Rick Wimer

Tomorrow is the day I am not going to do anything, nada, zilch, nunca, zip, naught, nil, all smoke, a real goose egg, no finger lifting, zero, bupkis, diddly-squat. The day is going to be a real nothing burger. How do I know? I cannot tell you; it is all tomorrow. I might be a bit of a hypocrite; however, I WILL wake up in the morning in order to do nothing.

I will not ride my trike through our beautiful parks and bike paths and will not write a word of awesome text. I will not watch television, especially CNN. I will not talk about politics nor visit a friend. I will not go to Dairy Queen and get my favorite treat, a Buster Bar. I will not attend any meetings nor pay taxes. I will not offer solutions to anything. I will not think. I will not plan. I will not do it. I certainly will not mow my lawn, rake leaves, or shovel snow or get rid of the leaves in my gutters.

The trash cans will sit outside one more day for me to take them in. I will not criticize anyone or anything; city streets, unkempt lawns, the occupancy of King’s Pointe, politics, editorials and I thank God, it is not election day nor will I work out, lift a muscle, or take a break. I will not answer the phone, have surgery, get sick or I will not age. No vacuuming or furniture dusting for me; no dishwashing.

I will not get a job or volunteer for anything. No television, music will be out of the question. If I had one, no dog walking. I will not laugh, nor will I cry. No driving, no movement at all. I will not eat or drink or pay bills. I will not visit with the neighbors, friends, nor call my daughters, my grandchildren, or my sister. No birthday wishes, no vacation, no visiting Central Park, Yellowstone, Luray Caverns, Golden Gate Bridge, Galveston Island, San Diego Zoo, the House on the Rock, Bourbon Street, Mojave Desert.

I will not drive to San Antonio, Gaithersburg or Santa Barbara or across the street. I will not speak or be on Facebook. Being on my phone will be a no-no, much less being on my computer. I will not play Sudoku or any other games. I will not talk or the alternative. I will not laugh, nor will I cry. I will not swear. I will not ponder the problems of the world, nor will I try to solve them.  Sickness and injuries are out of the question. They will have to wait for another day. I will not play slot machines and win money.  

I will not have surgery of any kind. I will not drive around the lake. I will not go to a City Council meeting. While it will be difficult to not do, I will not kiss my wife, nor hug her nor get romantic with her. I will not pet the neighbor’s dog, nor clean up after him.

I will not take the Lord’s name in vain. No volunteering will be done. No paying of bills and opening of mail will happen. I will not go for a walk. No boating or droning for me. I will not go out. Flying in an airplane is out of the question as is washing my clothes and accepting a gift. Not a wink of sleep will I have, no napping. Visiting my sister in Sioux City is out of the question. I will not wash my car or wax it.

Reading is out of the question in addition to drinking a beer. I will not drink more than 8-16 oz bottles of water. I will not tell acquaintances about my unsolicited life story. I will not purchase anything, especially if I do or do not need it. I will not, knowingly, force out gas. I will not shower or bathe or wash my hair. How can I not, but I will not make a phone call to anyone, nor answer one.  

I will not respond if the doorbell rings. I will refuse to, not that I would anyway, parrot some politician and drop an F-bomb. I will not plan or schedule anything. Thinking is out of the question, in addition to worrying, sighing, and crying. No Facebooking or perusing the internet will be allowed. I will cause no trouble. I will not impede happiness. I will not gather stones, nor will I cast them. I will not drink a Celsius or Diet Pepsi. I will not eat vanilla ice cream on a chocolate frosted brownie covered with chocolate syrup, covered with chocolate sprinkles.  

I will not have indigestion. I won’t edit any duplications in the article. I will not stick to my diet, nor will I gain or lose weight. I will not think about new subjects to write about. Getting a haircut is out of the question along with shaving.  

Frustration will only be a figment of my imagination, and I will not imagine anything; so, I won’t be frustrated. I will remain silent. I will not balance my checkbook or review my household budget. I will not fear, feel, contemplate and get angry with anything or anybody. I could say that I will or will not enjoy my day. How could I. I have not lived it yet. That is it; I have run out of things not to do. I fear tomorrow and its outcome; but when it comes, I just will not do it. Please pray for me! I’ll let you know how it turns out later, but not tomorrow. I will not let all of these nothings get to me. Finally, I will not send this piece to the Times Pilot because I did it today.

Rick Wimer writes from Storm Lake.