Travesty Island

Recently Jared Kushner (JK) and his wife, Ivanka Trump acquired the island Sazan from Albania and plan to spend $1.4 billion developing it into a resort. Imagine the president paying a visit:

45/47: (looking around) Well, Jared, I guess we can’t call this the Big Beautiful Island. I would have bought a much bigger one.

JK: This was Albania’s biggest island, sir.

45/47: And you got a good deal?

JK: We’re investing 1.4 billion.

45/47: A deal the likes of which this world has never seen. Even if it is small.

JK: (sotto voce) At least it’s not shaped like a mushroom.

45/47: So, this was a military base, they tell me.

JK: Perfect for development. The runways are in excellent shape. Trump Force One had no trouble landing, and we’re less than a thousand miles from Slovenia. Melania can visit her family.

45/47: I don’t want her to know about this.

JK: Well, it’s been in the news, sir.

45/47: You think she pays attention to the news? All she does is drool over the Kardashians.

JK: (sotto voce) Probably wishing she’d married Kaitlin Jenner instead of you.

45/47: What’s that?

JK: Also, it’s only a hop, skip, and a jump to Russia.

45/47: (looking around again) Say, aren’t there any women around here?

JK: Sir, given how you have a connection with a certain person on an island with a lot of women—

45/47: What is it with everybody? The media, now you, my own son-in-law. I was never there!

JK: Of course, sir.

45/47: Where are your employees?

JK: We are working to get people out of CECOT, sir and Alligator Alcatraz. It’s been surprisingly difficult, but you wouldn’t know anything about that, I guess.

45/47: I don’t know anything about anything, you know that.

JK: Indeed.

45/47: What about the natives?

JK: The natives, sir?

45/47: Yeah, the Albinos.

JK: The Albanians left on the first boat out.

45/47: We’d better get ICE to bring them back.

JK: ICE, sir? That’s not how that—

45/47: I saw some very ugly buildings. Barracks or something. Tear all that down.

JK: The buildings are the least of the issues. There’s undetonated ordnance that has to be located.

45/47: Unexploded, you say. . . hmm. That gives me an idea for Alligator Alcatraz. What’s the name of this place again? Sashay? Saran?

JK: Sazan.

45/47: We need to change that.

JK: Yes. We’re going to name it Jaranka.

45/47: (shakes his head) Trump Tropical Island.

JK: Well, it’s not exactly the tropics, sir.

45/47: I’ll be wearing a white suit, just like that TV show.

JK: Sir?

45/47: Yeah, I’ll be like that guy on that TV show.

JK: Sir?

45/47: Fantasy Island. I’ll be that guy, Roan or Roke.

JK: (no response)

45/47: You know. Fantasy Island.

JK: You keep saying that.

45/47: The TV show with Ricardo Mandelbaum and that little guy, R2-D2.

JK: I don’t know it, sir.

45/47: It was a great show, a great show. Not as great as my TV show, but a great show.

JK: Hear that? (looks skyward again) Eric and Don Jr. will be here any minute.

45/47: Well, time for your line.

JK: Pardon?

45/47: Time to say the line. The line. Say the line.

JK: What line?

45/47: The little guy always said to his boss, “The plane. The plane.” Since you were so nasty to me about Epstein, that’s your line.

JK: If anyone’s the boss here—

45/47: Say the damn line, Jared.

JK: The pain, the pain.

Joan Zwagerman writes from Storm Lake.