The skies are not that friendly

When they soak you for the fare, the airline tells you that one bag is allowed on board.

False.

“We’re checking that bag. The flight is too crowded. You can collect it at Omaha,” the United Airlines gate agent told me at San Francisco.

“Oh, hey,” the pilot said in radio garble on the flight out West, “we’re going to be sitting here in the plane because the tug that pulls the aircraft away from the terminal doesn’t work.”

Sweat. Next to that nice lady who gives you a pamphlet to save your soul. I tried to explain that Catholics aren’t encouraged to read these things. Your knees are up to your chin. The airplane starts to move after a half hour.

A Hail Mary and we are climbing to 30,000 feet from SFO aimed for a layover in Denver.

No cocktails. No decent finger food. Just “delectable” tiny pretzels and a coffee or Coke. “I’ll have coffee,” the gent sitting next to me in the window seat requested.

The flight attendant poured it all over me instead of serving it to him. My arm, stomach and crotch were soaked.

The stewardess handed me napkins and an apology. Fifty bucks off next time you fly the friendly skies. Are you joking? No, I got an email saying if I filled out the forms I could get a $50 credit with United.

I just wanted dry clothes. Could I access my kidnapped bag in Denver? Oh, she didn’t think so. There are 250 bags down there and just one me. She would ask the bursar. He was not played by Fred Grandy. He was not as friendly as Gopher from the Love Boat. Rules is rules, he said, if he could help me he would. He was demonstrative but not convincing of his sincerity. No way could I get at my bag.

This is the reason I insist on bringing my stuff with me. Airlines mishandled 33 million bags last year — and that was an improvement! I have been mishandled myself, so I was not about to let my luggage go to Alaska. Sometimes my laptop is in there, where my entire life resides.

Wet and stinky. That’s me on the ride home to Omaha.

Mad as a wet hen was son Kieran as his flight home with wife Holly from Frisco got stalled at stopover Dallas when their American Airlines flight to Cedar Rapids was cancelled. They managed to hop another flight after a sprint.

Once I waited for an American flight out of Omaha, which got cancelled at the last minute because somebody forgot to plug in the battery overnight. Welcome to the Super 8 and the Mexican restaurant down the road that tasted Norwegian.

United sent me an email from “customer care” that actually couldn’t care less.

“I’m deeply concerned,” wrote Sourabh from United at 3:47 a.m. He said the coffee soaking was distressing and conveyed his regrets. His team would look into it, and I got a complaint index number. I have heard nothing in the week since from Sourabh or anybody else.

They get away with seeing how much misery we will endure because they can.

The Biden Administration under Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg put rules in motion that would force airlines to act like they care. The Trump Administration is undoing them. For example, just last month the Transportation Department jettisoned a rule that would require meals and hotels to be covered for flight disruptions. The airlines won an appeal so they can hide baggage fees in fares.

Our choices are few and they are bad. It will only get worse in the near term. Traffic is up, seating is every bit as tight, and the overhead bins are reserved for the gilded class.

I hope to never fly American or United again. I would not miss it if I never flew at all. I would like to see Ireland, but I am not certain I could stand the abuse over Iceland.

Just a few airlines with too much power set the standard for all, which is to consistently degrade the customer while wearing a smile and saying thank you over and over and over while I am covered in cold coffee.

You expect this sort of service from Aeroflot or the North Koreans. Not from United Airlines, for crying out loud.

Enough of it. Everything about flying is bad — the airports, the airlines and the airplanes. The proselytizers too. So long as we are sheep, they are free to act like coyotes. The train runs to San Francisco next time. The drive isn’t that bad. First-world problems.