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Loyal Times Pilot reader Nancy Nelson of Linn Grove recently sent us this note:
“In the heat of the last few days I’ve been avoiding doing real work by finding things I can do in a seated position, while watching TV. I decided to go through my sewing basket and the box where much of its contents were dumped after I dropped it eons ago. To my surprise, and amusement, I came across a very weathered and crumpled Cheap Chicken column from 1999. I enjoyed the writing, the pictures and the advice, although I don’t believe I ever tried to fix a zipper according to these directions. And sadly, I can’t take a broken zipper to Mr. Rust. But I wanted to suggest that with the possible looming economic crises we may be facing, perhaps this is the time for a reboot of Cheap Chicken? By the way, who was Cheap Chicken?”
CHEAP CHICKEN was the nom de plume of Tina Donath, our associate editor for 14 years until her untimely death from cancer in 2010.
Before joining the Times, Tina had been a teacher at Fonda OLGC and had also worked at the Buena Vista County Museum across the street from our Times Square office. She came in one day and asked if we needed a writer. Newspapers always need writers! We wondered if this meek English major from Illinois College had what it takes to be a journalism, but she quickly put our doubts to rest. It was a marriage made in heaven.
Tina covered city council, county supervisors, police reports, as well as state and national politicians passing through town like she was born for the job.
Tina’s diminutive physical stature was much like that of Saint Mother Teresa, and these two were alike in many other ways, especially their shared steely will to do the right thing in lives filled with compassion and gentle respect for others.
“On the Cheap with Cheap Chicken” was a light-hearted practical how-to column in the vein of Hints from Heloise, Erma Bombeck and Martha Stewart. The example Nancy Nelson refers to here is one on how to unstick a balky zipper, a problem we all encounter, especially mothers (and school teachers) of young children.
These columns were wonderfully written with a light touch, and we thought Tina should syndicate them to other newspapers. But she was happy just writing for her local audience. And she declined to use her real name. Cheap Chicken was fine. So we acceded to her wishes for anonymity — until now.
After Tina’s death, her husband Ben, a math professor at Buena Vista University, and we at the Times started a scholarship in her name at BVU for journalism students. They and their daughter Alexis lived on Geneseo Street, just a couple blocks south of the Times. Although they owned a car, Tina and Ben walked nearly everywhere around town.
After Tina became ill, she had to travel several times a week to Sioux City for chemotherapy. She would not allow anyone to drive her, making the the 140-mile round trip by herself so as not to inconvenience anyone else. After each treatment, she drove back to Storm Lake in late afternoon and returned to the Times office to work at night. We told her to stay home and rest, but working probably gave her something to take her mind off the side effects of the chemo. This tiny woman was one tough chicken.
So we’re going to take Nancy Nelson’s suggestion and periodically republish some of Tina’s Cheap Chicken columns that may bring a smile to you as she explains how to navigate life’s little difficulties.
Here is the column that caught Nancy’s attention.
By Tina Donath
Fixing a zipper is something the Chicken learned while still under the wing of her own dear Mother Hen.
Perhaps your mother taught you this — but maybe not, or maybe you weren’t paying attention.
No matter. The Chicken will take you under her wing.
The natural time to be inspired to attempt a zipper repair is when a zipper breaks. On something you want to wear. Now.
Wear something else. This will be a time when zipper repair is unlikely or impossible. More than likely, you were not in your most patient frame of mind when you pushed the zipper beyond the limits of its endurance in the first place — and breaking the zipper hasn’t improved the situation any.
There are certain times and certain moods when Cheap Chicken could do watch repair or brain surgery if she only knew how, or even write the Lord’s Prayer on a grain of rice, if she had to. At other times she has all the patience of, well, a wet hen. It’s at times like that that the Chicken is a menace to inanimate objects that just happen to get in the way of her wrath.
Cheap chicken shudders to think there might be dentists or surgeons like herself, who, irate at some minor mistake, tear through the rest of the procedure thinking, “If this is going to be messed up, it might as well be really, really messed up!”
The proper Zen state for zipper repair can be entered only when there is plenty of time. An ideal situation is when you have more important things to do, things that you are scrupulously trying to avoid.
Put on some of your favorite music and be prepared to spend the rest of the day repairing your zipper. Provided you’re prepared to spend hours, this won’t take more than a couple of minutes. If you’re preparing to spend no more than a couple of minutes, however, the job simply cannot be done.
You’ll need a pair of small pliers. If the fly is tacked shut at the bottom, use a razor blade or seam ripper to take out the stitches. Then use the pliers to take off the small metal piece that stops the zipper at the bottom. Throw it away.
This is the part that takes patience. The two sides of the zipper will now be separate along their entire lengths. Line up the bottom of the two sides on your knee. Thread the zipper slide onto the bottom end on one side of the zipper for a tooth or two, and then onto the other side. It may take several tries to get the zipper slide to “take.” Then, if the two sides are not lined up right, you’ll need to pull the slide off and try again.
Zip the zipper to the top and then almost, but not quite, down to the bottom again, to make sure it works. Observe the zipper teeth. If there is a broken or crooked tooth, you may have to put in the stop above the problem, which will probably be near the bottom.
Cheap Chicken’s Mother Hen taught her to replace the zipper stop by stitching over the end of the zipper by hand. Mother Hen used thread that she had waxed by pulling it several times across an old candle stub. Cheap Chicken uses dental floss.
From the right side, take several stitches under and then over the zipper, to stop the descent of the zipper slide before it runs off the end of the zipper. Replace the tacking on the fly, if you’re so inclined. That’s all there is to it, provided that the zipper was just off its track, or had a snaggletooth near the bottom.
If there are more serious zipper problems — or if you are unable to attain the proper sound-of-one-hand-clapping state necessary for successful zipper repair, the Chicken recommends a shoe repair or tailor shop.
It’s still cheaper than venting your wrath with the rending of innocent and otherwise wearable garments.
You can prevent future zipper fiascoes by rubbing the zipper with a bar of soap, a candle stub or a piece of paraffin, so that it slides more easily.
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